The Stupidest Angel Chapter 10

Chapter 10LOVE, KICKED TO THE CURBYou did what? Lena utter, and then adding, And take that bat arrive at your head, its unnerving to make water a hat looking at you like that.Like what? ruck up give tongue to.Dont change the subject. You blackmailed Theo Crowe? She was pacing her kitchen. Tuck sat at the counter, eating away a gold oxford-cloth shirt that complemented the bat on his head while accentuating the sea blue of his eyes. The bat, for once, wasnt wearing sunglasses.Not genuinely. It was only sort of implied. Hed figured break that Id been in your ex-husbands motortruck. He knew. Now hell just forget it.He may non. He may have some integrity, unlike some people.Hey, hey, hey. Lets not channelize the finger here, my ex is still living well in the Caymans on m unitaryy that I rightfully stole from an organ-smuggling doctor, while yours, study I remind you Dales death was an accident. Everything since then, all this craziness, has been your doing. You come into m y life at the worst possible moment, like you had a plan all a tenacious, and things have g unitary more than and more out of control. Now youre blackmailing my friends. Tucker, are you insane?Sure.Sure? Just like that? Sure, youre insane?Sure, incessantlyyone is. If you withd stinging bothone is sane you just dont know enough about them. The depict and this is very relevant in our case is to find someone whose insanity dovetails with your own. Like us. He flashed what Lena thought was supposed to be a charming grin, which was somewhat defused by his trying to untangle one of Robertos wing claws from his hair.Lena turned from him and leaned against the counter in front of the dishwasher, hoping to steel herself for what she had to do. Unfortunately Tuck had just run a load of dishes and the steam from the vent in front was streaming through her thin skirt and making her feel inappropriately moist for righteous indignation. She spun well-nigh with resolve and allowed the dishwasher to steam her put up status as she made her pronouncement.Look, Tucker, you are a very attractive man She withalk a deep breath on the pause.No way. Youre breaking up with me?And I do like you, despite the situation Oh, right, you dont compulsion to have anything to do with an attractive fathead who you like, heaven inhibit Would you shut upThe bat barked at her tone.You, too, fur face Look, in another time and place, maybe. But youre too Im too you just accept things too easily. I need Your anxiety?Would you please let me finish?Sure, go ahead. He nodded. The bat, now on his shoulder, nodded as well. Lena had to look away.And your bat is freaking me out.Yeah, well, you should have been around when he used to talk.Out Tucker I need you out of my life. I have too oft to deal with you are too much to deal with.But the sex, it was great, it was I understand if you want to go to the authorities I may even go myself only if this just isnt right.Tu cker human face hung his head. Roberto the fruit bat hung his head. Tucker Case looked at the fruit bat, who, in turn, looked at Lena, as if to say, Well, I hope you re happy, you broke his heart.Ill get my stuff, Tuck said.Lena was crying, and she didnt want to be crying, but she was. She watched Tuck pick up his things around the brook and stuff them into a flight bag, wondering how he had spread so much crap around her house in only two days. Men, they were always marking territory.He paused at the door and looked back. Im not going to go to the authorities. Im just going to go.Lena rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache but mainly to cover her tears. Okay, then.Im going, thenGood-bye, Tucker.You wont have anyone to sex up under the Christmas shoetreeLena looked up. Jeez, Tuck.Okay. Im going now. And he did.Lena Marquez went into her bedroom to call her friend Molly. Maybe crying over the phone to a girlfriend would puzzle out a sense of normalcy back into her life.Sour Nerds? Cinnamon Geeks? Or Gummy Boogers? surface-to-air missile Applebaums mom was picking out a nice reasonably priced Cabernet, and Sam was allowed one dot of glaze over from the rack at Brines Bait, Tackle, and Fine Wines. Of course the Boogers would last the longest, but they were all mundane green-apple finish, while the Nerds proffered a fruity variety and an impudent weensy top note of tang. Cinnamon Geeks had a rich nose and a bit of a bite up front, but their tiny certified-public-accountant shape betrayed their businessperson origins.Sam was learning wine words. He was seven and he very much enjoyed unnerving adults with his wine-word vocabulary. Hanukkah had just ended and there had been a lot of dinner partys at Sams house over the last week, with a lot of wine talk, and Sam had joyfully freaked out a whole table of his relatives by pronouncing after the benediction that the Manischewitz blackberry (the only wine he was allowed to taste) was a tannacious little cun t of a red, but not without a certain buttery geranium charm. (He finished dinner in his room over that one but it was tannacious. Philistines.)You are one of the Chosen? said a voice up and to the right of Sam. I undo the Canaanites so your people would have a homeland.He looked up and saw a man with long blond hair wearing a long black asheser. A jolt went through Sam like hed just licked a battery. This was the guy that had scared his friend Josh so badly. He looked around and saw his mom was in the back of the store with Mr. Masterson, the owner.Can I get these with this? asked the man. He had three candy bars in one hand, and a small silver coin about the size of a dime in the other. The coin looked very old.Thats a foreign coin. I dont think they take it.The man nodded thoughtfully and looked very sad at the news.But Nestles Crunch is a fine choice, said Sam, trying to buy time, and keep the guy from going off on him. A bit naive, but an undergrowth of ambergris and walnu t gives it legs.Sam looked around for his mom again. She was still talking wine with Mr. Masterson, dawdling about it Sam could be cut up in pieces and put away in freezer bags and she wouldnt notice. Maybe he could get the guy to leave.Look, they arent looking. why dont you just take them?I cant, said the blond man.Why not?Because no one has told me to.Oh no. This guy looked like a grown-up, but really he had the mind of a dumb little kid inside. Like that guy in Sling Blade, or the president.Then Ill tell you to, okay? Sam said. Go ahead. Take them. Youd better get going, though. Its going to rain. Sam couldnt remember ever talking to an adult like this before.The blond man looked at his candy bars, then at Sam. Thank you. Peace on Earth, good willing toward men. Merry Christmas.Im Jewish, remember? We dont celebrate Christmas. We celebrate Hanukkah, the miracle of the lights.Oh, that wasnt a miracle.Sure it was.No, I remember. Someone snuck in and put more oil in the lamp. B ut I will grant a Christmas miracle tomorrow. I must go. With that, the blond man backed away, gorgerin his candy bars to his chest. Shalom, child. And in an instant he was just gone.Great Sam said. Just great. Throw that in my faceKendra the Warrior Babe of the Outland, combat woman of the street of the hot-oil arena, slayer of monsters, menace to mutants, scourge of the sand pirates, utter protector of the cud-beast herdsmen of Lan, and intramural Blood Champion of the Termite People (mounds seven through twelve inclusive) enjoyed cheese. So it came to pass, on that twenty-third of December, with her noodles wet and congealing in the colander, that she did raise her well-muscled arm to the sky and call the wrath of all the Furies down upon her higher power, Nigoth the Worm God, for allowing her to leave the mozzarella at the Thrifty-Mart checkout counter. But the gods do not concern themselves in the affairs of lasagna, so the sky did not explode with vengeful fire (or at least not that she could see from the kitchen window) to incinerate the mingy god who would dare desert her in her most dire hour of cheese. What happened was nothing at all.Curse be unto yon, Nigoth Would that my blade was not broken, I would track you to the ends of the Outland and sever your thousand and one eyestalks, just to make sure I got your favorite. Then I would feed them raw to the most heinous Then the phone rang.Helloo, Molly sang sweetly. Molly? Lena said. You sound out of breath. Are you okay?Quick, think of something, said the bank clerk, Dont tell her what you were doing.The Narrator had been with Molly almost constantly for the last two days, mostly an irritation, except that he had remembered how much oregano and thyme to use in the red sauce. Nevertheless, she knew that he was a sign she needed to get back on her meds ASAP.Oh, yeah, Im fine, Lena. Just buffing the muffin.You know, gray afternoon, storm coming in, Theos a mutant I thought Id cheer myself u p. in that respect was a long silence on the line, and Molly wondered if shed sounded convincing.Completely convincing, said the Narrator. If I wasnt here, Id swear you were still doing it.Youre not here Molly said.Pardon? said Lena. Molly, I can call back if this is a bad time.Oh, no, no, no. Im okay. Just making lasagna.Ive never hear it called that before.For the party.Oh, right. Hows it going?I forgot the mozzarella. Paid for it, then left it at the check stand. She looked at the three cartons of ricotta sitting on the counter, mocking her. Soft cheeses could be so smug.Ill go pick it up and bring it over.No Molly felt a jolt of adrenaline at the thought that shed have to push through a long girlfriend academic term with Lena. Things were getting so blurry between Pine Cove and the Outland. I mean, its okay. I can do it. I enjoy cheese shopping for cheese.Molly heard a sniffle on the other end of the line.Mol, I really need to help you with the goddamn lasagna, okay? Really. Well, she sounds as nutty as you are, said the Narrator. Molly swatted at the air to shut him up did a finger-to-lip emphatic rocking shush mime. Shes a crisis junkie if I ever saw one.I need to talk to someone, Lena said with a sniff. I broke up with Tucker.Oh, Im so sorry, Lena. Whos Tucker?The pilot I was seeing.The guy with the bat? You just met him, didnt you? Take a bath. Eat some ice cream. Youve known him two days, right?We shared a lot.Cowboy up, Lena. You hunched him and kicked him to the curb. Its not like he stole your design for a coldfusion reactor. Youll be okay.Molly Its Christmas. Youre supposed to be my friend.Molly nodded at the phone, then realized that Lena couldnt hear her. True, she wasnt being a very good friend. After all, she was sworn protector of the cud-beast herdsmen of Lan, as well as a member of the Screen Actors Guild, it was her duty to pretend she cared about her friends problems.Bring the cheese, she said. Well be here.We?Me. Bring the cheese, Lena.Theo Crowe showed up at Brines Bait, Tackle, and Fine Wines just in time to miss everything. Robert Masterson, the owner of Brines, had called him as soon as hed seen the mysterious blond man talking to Sam Applebaum, and Theo had bucket along right over, only to find that there was nothing to find. The blond guy hadnt hurt or threatened Sam, and the boy seemed fine, except that he kept lallation about changing his religion and becoming a Rastafarian like his cousin Preston who lived on Maui. Theo realized midway through the interview that he was not the guy to enumerate the reasons why one should not spend his life smoking dope and surfing like Sams cousin Preston because he (A) had never knowledgeable to surf, and (B) didnt have the foggiest idea how Rastafarianism worked, and (C) would eventually have to use the argument And look at what a complete loser I am you dont want that for yourself, do you, Sam? He left the scene feeling even more useless than he had after th e verbal bitch-slapping hed taken from the pilot at Lena Marquezs house.When Theo pulled into his campaign at lunchtime, hoping he might be able to patch things up with Molly and get some sympathy and a sandwich, he saw Lenas truck parked in front of the cabin and his heart sank. He debated shuffling over to the commercial scum bag patch and smoking a sticky bud before going in, but that sounded an awful lot like the behavior of an addict, and he was simply on a little slide from grace, not a blowout. Still, he came through the door humbled, not sure at all how he was going to handle Lena, who might be a murderer, let whole Molly.Traitor Molly said from over a pan of noodles she was layering into a pan with sauce, meat, and cheese. She had sauce on her hands up to her elbows and looked like shed been engaged in some very messy surgery. The back door out of the kitchen had slammed shut as he came in.Wheres Lena? Theo said.She went out the back. Why, are you afraid shell reveal you r secret?Theo shrugged and approached his wife, his blazon out to the side in a gimme a break gesture. Why was it that when she was angry her teeth looked really sharp? He never noticed that any other time. Mol, I was just doing it so I could get you something for Christmas I didnt mean to Oh, I dont care about that youre investigating Lena. My friend Lena. You just went to her house like shes a criminal or something. Its the radiation, isnt it?Theres evidence, Molly. And its not that I got high. I found fruit-bat hairs in Dales truck and her boyfriend has a fruit bat. And the little doggy kid said Theo heard a car start up outside. I should talk to her.Lena wouldnt hurt anyone. She brought me cheese for Christmas, for Christs sake. Shes a pacifist.I know that, Molly. Im not saying that she hurt anyone, but I need to find out Besides, some fuckers just need killingDid she tell you I think its the pot that makes you reveal your mutant self. She had a lasagna noodle in her hand and was waving it at him. It sort of looked like she was shaking a living creature, but then, he was still a little buzzed.Molly, what are you talking about, my mutant self? Are you taking your meds?How dare you accuse me of being crazy. Thats worse than if you asked me if it was my time of the month, which it isnt, by the way. But I cant believe that youd imply that I need to be medicated. You mutant bastard She flung the noodle at him and he ducked.You do need to be medicated, you crazy bitch Theo didnt deal well with violence, even in the form of soggy semolina, but after the initial outburst, he immediately lost the will to fight. Im sorry, I dont know what I was thinking. Lets just Fine Molly said. She wiped her hands on a dish towel, then tossed it at him. In dodging it, he felt like he was moving in blurred bullet time in the Matrix, but in truth he was just a tall guy who was a little baked and the towel would have missed him anyway. Molly stomped through the l ittle house, into their bedroom, and dropped to the floor on the far side of the bed.Molly, you okay?She came up holding a package the size of a shoe box wrapped in Christmas paper with a few dust bunnies clinging to it. She held it out to him. Here. Take it and go. I dont want to see you, traitor. Go.Theo was stunned. Was she leaving him? Asking him to leave her? How had this gone so wrong so fast?I dont want to go. Im having a really bad day, Molly. I came home hoping to find a little sympathy.Yeah? Okay. Here you go. Aw, poor stoned Theo, Im so sorry that you have to investigate my best friend the day before Christmas Eve when you could be out playing in an illegal pot patch that looks like the hobo camp plateau of the gibbon people. She held out his present and he took it.What the hell was she talking about? So it is about the victory garden?Open it, she said.She didnt say a word more. She put a hand on her hip and fixed him with that I am so going to kick your ass or fuck your brains out look that excited and terrified him, as he wasnt always sure which way she would go with it, only that she was going to get satisfaction one way or the other and he was going to be sore the next day because of it. It was a Warrior Babe look, and he realized fully, then, that she was having an episode. She probably really was off her meds. This had to be handled just right.He backed away a few steps and tore the paper off the package. Inside was a light box with the silver seal of a very exclusive local glassblower, and inside that, wrapped in blue tissue, was the most beautiful bong hed ever seen. It was like something out of the Art Nouveau era, only fashioned from modern materials, blue-green dichromatic glass with ornate silver branches running through it that gave it the appearance of manner of walking through a forest as he turned it in his hand. The bowl and handle, which fit his hand perfectly, appeared to be cast of solid silver with the alike organic tree-bran ch design seeming to leap right out of the glass. This had to have been made just for him, with his tastes in mind. He felt himself tearing up and blinked back the tears. Its beautiful.Uh-huh, Molly said. So you can see its not your garden that bothers me. Its just you.Molly, I only want to talk to Lena. Her boyfriend threatened to blackmail me. I was only growing Take it and go, Molly said.Honey, you need to call Dr. Val, maybe see if shell see you Get out, goddammit. You dont tell me to see the shrink. Get outIt was no use. Not now, anyway. Her voice had hit the Warrior Babe frenzy pitch he recognized it from the times hed taken her to the county hospital before theyd become involved as lovers. When shed just been the towns crazy lady. Shed lose it if he pressed her any more. Fine. Ill go. But Ill call you, okay?She just gave him that look.Its Christmas One last try maybe.The look.Fine. Your present is on the top shelf in the closet. Merry Christmas.He dug some underwear an d socks out of the drawer, grabbed a few shirts out of the closet, and headed out the front door. She slammed it gruelling enough behind him to break one of the windows. The glass hitting the sidewalk sounded like a summary of his whole life.